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Remembering Roses
Thursday, September 18, 2008
4:15 PM
4 comments
Day 102 Dear No one, 6 days ago: Mommy's birthday. 2 days ago: Dad's and Mom's wedding anniversary. Ten years ago today: Mommy passed away at age 39. I was in the 5th grade. Meek. Fragile. Weak. A puny ten-year-old sent off to her aunt's in another city after the red marks incident on a Chinese report card. I've gone from one of the top students in class to a major has-been. I was at a difficult time in my life: I was depressed, insecure, and just really- didn't feel loved. So yeah, I crashed really hard. It was the night before the poster slogan contest. Daddy had called. I was nearby when the phone rang so I picked it up. He asked to speak with my aunt. She picked up an extension from her room and made sure I'd already put the receiver back to its cradle before she went back in and closed the bedroom door after her. Something was up. I just knew it. I had a strange dream that night. Mommy and I were in a moss-covered castle with what seemed like a thousand rooms, running for our lives because some green voluminous monster was after us. Mommy tripped sometime during the run and she couldn't get back to her feet. She told me to go and save myself. I couldn't do it. I tried pulling her up, dragging her body in the process. But it was too late, the monster was already closing in on us... I've been having bad dreams since that night. The same kind. Sometimes with different monsters. One thing remained constant however- it's that I was alone now, running for my life. I forced myself to wake up whenever the same dream happened again, because I didn't want to find out how it'd end. But it's not the dreams that daunt me. I can live with that. What I find most difficult to bear with is the fact that I never really got to know what my mom was like (she was always abroad because of her medication and treatment- she had cancer). What was her favorite color? What style of drawing did she prefer? What made her laugh? Cry? Angry? I just have soo many questions. My mom and I were never really close before the 5th grade. But we started exchanging letters that year. It's amazing at how even the simplest of words can touch the soul and make you feel warm inside. That's how I felt every time I read hers. That same year I was determined to make it work with her. And she seemed to think the same. She told me she was coming home- for good. We were going to be together again, and for real this time. But I guess we can't always get what we want. It just hurts, though. Growing up was extremely onerous. I was always jealous of my friends who lived with their families. It made me angry whenever they took that for granted. I've gone through birthdays, Christmas, the new year, my first period, and graduation alone. You know what's more painful than remembering all the memories you shared? It's not having enough. Whenever I think of my mom, I think of roses. The kind of relationship I've had with my mother is like stemming roses and snipping the thorns out. It was rocky and rough. But all means have an end. After thoroughly cleaning up roses, you put them in a pretty vase and it's beautiful. Ours was, too. I miss you, mom. And I still think about you night and day. 
My Top 5 Favorite Bookmarked Webpages
Sunday, September 14, 2008
8:53 AM
0 comments
Sunny weather I have over 26 bookmarked web pages as of this writing. I started bookmarking my favorite sites since the day I remembered there's actually a button for it on the menu bar. This was sometime last week. Today, I've decided to share some of my favorites with you.
 http://RottenTomatoes.com/   
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